No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
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I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Just got to our Airbnb!
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
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Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.