If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
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I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Time for evil
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.