I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
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Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
cry laughing at this shit
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.