Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
You Might Also Like
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”