[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.