So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls