me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Natural selection at its finest
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.