I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
My Guy
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*