One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
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One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My purse is deeper than some people.
New mindset, who dis?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift