HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”