wait.
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“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken: