I need better friends
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Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄