Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
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I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Whoa 😂
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.