Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
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You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*