On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
You Might Also Like
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.