robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
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Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂