Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
You Might Also Like
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
#Caturday
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…