Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS