Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
man i love columbo
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns