*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
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Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
This is why I hate group projects
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid