My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
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[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Eat…
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?