a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
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Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.