Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
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I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Life hack
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.