The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
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I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Love this guy
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.