When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.