Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
You Might Also Like
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.