Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
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“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
March 16
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Think I pulled my liver
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead