Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
happy friday
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
new record!
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood