A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
You Might Also Like
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire