I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*