[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
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Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
paddle faster i hear baby shark
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂