Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
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I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃