Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]