My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
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cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left