Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.