My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
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[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I did not eat the cake…
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.