When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
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We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Damn he played himself
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin