Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery