Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
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I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!