My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS