what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
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Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.