Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea