damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
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[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
guys I’m going home
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.