Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Ovenable?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk