Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
You Might Also Like
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
We’re all getting idioter.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Nothing.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Don’t snitch tag.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.