lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
You Might Also Like
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year