I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.