On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised