me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
.. do you even science?
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings