Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
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Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is